I dreamt about you last night.
You walked into my dream with such confidence- almost an arrogance. A beautiful arrogance.
Morning darling as you wrap your arms around me pulling me close.
I exhale.
A feeling of home, a feeling of safety and adventure. A feeling of deep deep love.
The dream then cuts to you holding our baby. Our baby girl. So Beautiful. So perfect.
She's asleep in your arms -your strong beautiful tanned arms.
You are smiling with that curl on your lip -the scar just above it. The curl that she now has in her smile.
Someone is taking photos -and I am in the moment of bliss and at the same time thinking how important these photos are to me, so important as you’re going to be dead. Any minute now I will wake up and you will be dead.
I wake up. You are dead.
My heart is in so much pain I can’t find where my body begins and the dream ends.
Pure. White Blinding Pain.
I thump my chest hard with my hand.Thump my heart to get it started. Thump it hard again. As if to release some of the pain that has rendered me immobile. Get it thumping. Get the blood moving. Get me out of bed.
THUMP
It gets me out of bed and bleary eyed I wake up our little girl.
Morning darling. (I dreamt of your daddy).
She looks at me with oceans in her deep blue eyes.
Come on mummy, I want pancakes, she grins. Blissfully unaware.
So that's what I do.
I make pancakes, with lemon and cinnamon and honey.
And you linger around and I thump at my heart.
