Someone said it comes in waves
For me, it is every second of everyday
I find myself searching for you like that eternal itch I can’t scratch
It makes me weak knowing that the only comfort I could ever find from this pain is for you to hold me
In your arms
And you never will. You never will, till the day I die
But still I search.
My first feeling in the morning before any thought is of pain
Then the thought is- please no this isn’t happening
Like some fucked up ground hog day
Stuck in a movie that I just don’t want to be in.
I want to snuggle up to you upon waking
‘Good morning darling, good morning Sar.’
And we’d have a moment of stillness in each other arms before we yawned and stretched into the day
Either yoga or meditation out by the river
Or showers and then crawl back into bed for a cup of coffee under our canvas home
And talk about our day ahead. The guests arriving, the hyenas mess to clear, the bush breakfast to prepare.
I now get out of bed lost.
It's kicking by the way – wants to see the world-wants to see you
‘Your fathers dead.’ I will have to say
Dead before you took your first breath.
So I blink into this world without you
Don’t want to eat but the baby growing inside me demands it
Toast and marmite
I find myself in freeze frame as I see your hands opening the marmite and spreading at least half a jar onto your toast
That’s how you liked it
And you’d laugh as I’d raise one eyebrow
It’s like this all day
Your thoughts your comments your actions I carry with me everywhere as you reflect whatever I am doing
You are everywhere
But nowhere
How can you be everywhere,
But nowhere?
When it gets acute this feeling of looking for you and I feel like I am slipping into madness
I force my mind to the memory of your dead body
I force my mind to calculate The Reality.
Look, Your dead body
Look, Your beautiful face that I kissed
Look,Your eyelids that I kissed
The scar above your lip
Your mouth that I kissed
I lay my head next to yours
Felt your hair
Some weird gel the morgue had put into it
Pressed your hand into mine
It was cold but not as cold I thought it would be
And it wasn’t stiff
I could feel the layers of muscle and squidge my fingers into your palm.
Anton Anton Anton Anton Anton
I howl your name.
I
howl
your
Name
I
howl
This is a sickness- this pain.
I didn’t get to say goodbye
I would have given anything to hold you in my arms
To be able to say goodbye
Instead a phone call
Out of the blue
The helicopter didn't get there. The elephant's foot did.
