Motherhood.

I am teaching my daughter to breathe fire. 

She is teaching me she was already born with it.

My heart.

My everything.

You blow me away with your sensitivity, your strength, your sense of self, your boundaries, your kindness, your humor, your organization, your commitment, your boundless curiosity and your sense of adventure. You have been through so much darling and you continue to keep your head high and strive in the world. You shine so very bright.

Motherhood. An act of infinite courage. 

Daughter-hood. An act of eternal hope.

All of it together. Love.

Heart Shaped Pancakes

I dreamt about you last night.

You walked into my dream with such confidence- almost an arrogance. A beautiful arrogance.

Morning  darling as you wrap your arms around me pulling me close.

I exhale.

 A feeling of home, a feeling of safety and adventure. A feeling of deep deep love.

The dream then cuts to you holding our baby. Our baby girl. So Beautiful. So perfect.

She's asleep in your arms -your strong beautiful tanned arms. 

You are smiling with that curl on your lip -the scar just above it. The curl that she now has in her smile.

Someone is taking photos -and I am in the moment of bliss and at the same time thinking how important  these photos are to me, so important as you’re going to be dead. Any minute now I will wake up and you will be dead.

I wake up. You are dead. 

My heart is in so much pain I can’t find where my body begins and the dream ends. 

Pure. White Blinding Pain. 

 I thump my chest hard with my hand.Thump my heart to get it started. Thump it hard again. As if to release some of the pain that has rendered me immobile. Get it  thumping. Get the blood moving. Get me out of bed.

THUMP

It gets me out of bed and bleary eyed I wake up our little girl.

Morning darling. (I dreamt of your daddy).

She looks at me with oceans in her deep blue eyes. 

Come on mummy, I want pancakes, she grins. Blissfully unaware.

So that's what I do.

I make pancakes, with lemon and cinnamon and honey. 

And you linger around and I thump at my heart.

796 days after we kissed

Someone said it comes in waves

For me, it is every second of everyday

I find myself searching for you like that eternal itch I can’t scratch

It makes me weak knowing that the only comfort I could ever find from this pain is for you to hold me

In your arms

And you never will. You never will, till the day I die

But still I search.

My first feeling in the morning before any thought is of pain 

Then the thought is- please no this isn’t happening

Like some fucked up ground hog day

Stuck in a movie that I just don’t want to be in.

I want to snuggle up to you upon waking

‘Good morning darling, good morning Sar.’

And we’d have a moment of stillness in each other arms before we yawned and stretched into the day

Either yoga or meditation out by the river

Or showers and then crawl back into bed for a cup of coffee under our canvas home

And talk about our day ahead. The guests arriving, the hyenas mess to clear, the bush breakfast to prepare.

I now get out of bed lost.

It's kicking by the way – wants to see the world-wants to see you

‘Your fathers dead.’ I will have to say

Dead before you took your first breath.

So I blink into this world without you

Don’t want to eat but the baby growing inside me demands it

Toast and marmite

I find myself in freeze frame as I see your hands opening the marmite and spreading at least half a jar onto your toast

That’s how you liked it

And you’d laugh as I’d raise one eyebrow

It’s like this all day

Your thoughts your comments your actions I carry with me everywhere as you reflect whatever I am doing

You are everywhere

But nowhere

How can you be everywhere,

But nowhere?

When it gets acute this feeling of looking for you and I feel like I am slipping into madness

I force my mind to the memory of your dead body

I force my mind to calculate The Reality.

Look, Your dead body

Look, Your beautiful face that I kissed

Look,Your eyelids that I kissed

The scar above your lip

Your mouth that I kissed

I lay my head next to yours

Felt your hair

Some weird gel the morgue had put into it

Pressed your hand into mine

It was cold but not as cold I thought it would be

And it wasn’t stiff

I could feel the layers of muscle and squidge my fingers into your palm.

Anton Anton Anton Anton Anton

I howl your name.

 I 

howl 

your 

Name

I 

howl

This is a sickness- this pain.

I didn’t get to say goodbye

I would have given anything to hold you in my arms

To be able to say goodbye

Instead a phone call

Out of the blue

The helicopter didn't get there. The elephant's foot did.